You know, I thought this would be easier, but I guess not. Already tearing up and I haven’t even begun! Alright, I’m ok…here goes….
Hi Mama- It’s been two years since you left. I still think of you everyday, but it’s getting easier. It’s a strange thought now, because I remember when you left I thought things would never, ever, ever get easier; but the human conscious is funny that way huh? Days change to night, sunrises and sunsets, days pass into weeks, months, years; time goes on. We go on. Am I sad still? Yes. I know I will forever be sad. How can you not when you lose such an important part of who you are? You were my first best friend, my confidant, the one I could always count on no matter what. If sh*t got tough, I was never afraid because I knew you’d always be there. When you left, gone went that sense of childhood security; that feeling that no matter what, mom would be there to make it all ok.
Well, as you know (I’m sure) sh*t has gotten tough a few times since you left. Did I want to call you? Oh yes. You were the first and only one I wanted to talk to do. Of course, that isn’t an option anymore, but then I realized that I didn’t need to because everything that you were: your independence, your self-assurance, your stubbornness, your work ethic, your determination, your soul has been inside of me all along and I am ever so grateful for that. The other day I wrote about 12 lessons for my daughters, did you get a chance to read it? They were mostly based on the dream that I can even strive to be half the mama that you were to me. I want my daughters to feel that independence, self-assurance, stubbornness, determination and soul within them. I hope I’m doing an ok job Mom.
24 months; 104 weeks; 730 days; 17,472 hours since I have seen you. I know you’ve been around though. Even though I don’t always feel you, it seems that Abby does, and I am ever so thankful for that. Are you all those sparkles she sees at night and when she is nervous? Is that you letting her know that everything will be ok? I appreciate that. As a mama, I wish I could be there every minute and second of the day to be her personal cheering section to assure her that she can do it and that it’ll all be ok. Part of motherhood, as you know, if letting go and allowing them to be their own person. It’s hard, but you make it a bit easier; knowing that you are there to watch over her, and all of the peas, assuring them that it’s ok. She tells me all of the time that she feels you near her. Sometimes I am jealous because I don’t feel it as much; but then I just think that, knowing you, you are being where you are needed most. You always said you knew that I’d be ok and that you didn’t worry about me. So I guess that’s the reason why you spend so much time with everyone else. I’m ok with that- so go ahead being where you are needed Mama.
The kids are getting bigger every second of everyday. They still talk about you, and I am ever so thankful for that. I don’t know if I could go on if my babies didn’t remember the Mini that loved them oh so much. Thankfully we haven’t gotten there yet. I hope we never do.
I’m doing ok. I’ve been going though some things, as you know, but I am ok. I am hoping changes happen soon that can make everyone happier and make you most important dream come true. I’m trying Mom, I promise!!
I hope I am continuing to make you proud. It’s hard to follow in such amazing footsteps but I’m trying! I am continuing to not take any crap from anyone and try to let other peoples nonsense roll off my shoulders, like you would tell me to do. Some days it’s harder than others, but I am always channeling your strength to help me. Thank you for giving that to me. Thank you for giving me an amazing legacy to pass on to my daughters. Thank you for being you.
I miss you Mom! There isn’t a day that goes by where I don’t think of you at least for a moment. I can still hear your voice in my head, even after not hearing it for two years. I look in the mirror and if I catch myself at the right angle, I see you. Thank you for making me, me.
Until we can sit and have tea again, I shall go on and carry your spirit inside of me, always being my mother’s daughter.
I love you Mom!
Love, your middle baby xoxo
mom aged 8
mom and I, christmas of 1981
Mimi and Abby
Mimi and Jacob
Mimi and Hannah
Mimi and the peas
one of my favorites, Mimi and Jacob xo