I wanted to start a new segment on the blog this week. I’m calling it “fantasy vs. reality”. I will explain what people think it’s like when you are a mom and then what it’s really like. I am also writing this for all of my friends that have just had babies…just want you to be prepared 😉
Here is episode #1: Leaving the house
Scenario: We have to get out the door at a certain time to be at certain appointment.
Mom wakes up early. Makes a cup of tea and takes a shower. She dries her hair and gives it a slight curl. She gets dressed in a pretty, yet functional, maxi dress and finishes her tea just as the kids are waking up. The kids wakes up happy and at a decent time. Mom starts making breakfast. While she is making some pancakes, with fresh blueberries, the kids are watching Mickey Mouse on the couch quietly. Ding ding! Breakfast is done! The kids are eating their pancakes with their freshly cut fruit and mom can pack a snack for each child and a juice cup. Mom feeds the dog. The kiddies finish, place their dishes in the sink and wait in line to wash up in the bathroom. Mom has already set out their clothes last night and they all get dressed without fuss. Mom helps them with their teeth and does the girl’s hair. The kids finish their show, while mom tidies the table and washes the dishes. “Time for shoes!” mom says. All three peas run in the kitchen and put their shoes on. Mom gets her bag, the kids grab their juice cups and we are out the door, right on time.
Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh….let’s hold on to that moment for a bit.
Ok, now for reality.
Mom sets her alarm to get up before the kids. She is tired because one of the kids kept waking up in the night asking for something, so she hits snooze. One more snooze. “Crap, better get up, I forgot I haven’t showered in a few days.” It’s still about 20 minutes before the kids should be getting up so she turns on the water and gets ready to hop in, thinking she still has time for a quick shower. Nope. Pea #2 wakes up: “MOM I WANT SOME CHEESE!” Mom, now naked in the shower, she says “Good morning, I’m in the shower, give mama 5 minutes. Go play in your room until I am done.” Pea #2: “UGGGGGGGGGGG. fine.” and leaves slamming the door to his room, thus waking up pea #1 and #3.
Mom quickly finishes up, forgetting to shave her legs. Mom throws her robe on and turns on the tv. She is greeted with cries of “I’m hungry!” “I’m thirsty!” “So and so is sitting in my spot!” (we don’t have “spots”) Mom quickly warms up some water for her tea, now desperately needing some caffeine. She throws some Eggos in the toaster, sets out the breakfast table. “I want to sit in the middle.” “No, me!” “NO MEEEEEE!” Mom: IF YOU CAN’T AGREE, NO ONE IS SITTING IN THE MIDDLE! It is agreed, with much apprehension, that Pea #3 will sit in the middle. The dog is scratching on the glass- “will someone please let the dog out?” No one does. After mom threatens to let the dog free in the desert, Pea #1 rushes to let her dog out in the yard. Mom finishes the waffles and gives them to the kids. “Eat, please. Mama needs to go get dressed.” Mom realizes she hasn’t made her tea yet so she rushed back into the kitchen, ignoring requests for “more syrup!”
Mom throws on some yoga pants and a clean shirt, and puts her wet hair in a pony. She throws on some makeup, all the while, the kids are simultaneously watching TV, fighting about spoons, plates and who is going to let the dog back in, who is now scratching on the glass so much it sounds like nails on a chalkboard. “LET THE DOG IN PLEASE!” Mom yells, while putting on mascara.
Mom comes out after approximately 4 and a 1/2 minutes in the bedroom. She is greeted with a sight of one kid naked, three toy baskets dumped out and the dog is eating someone’s waffle. %$#@*!!! Mom thinks. “Guys, we have to go soon! Please clean up the toys.” Mom wrestles the waffle away from the dog and cleans up the table. She throws some clothes at the kids. She orders one pea into the bathroom to wash up and brush teeth, while helps pea #2 and #3 get dressed, since she knows that if more than one pea were in the bathroom at a time, it would be armageddon. Pea #1 is taking forevvvvver in the bathroom. “Hurry up, your brother and sister need to get in there.” “I’M HURRYING MOM!!!” barks Pea#1. Mom rolls eyes. Pea #1 probably does too. Pea #2 and #3 are now fighting over something. Mom breaks the fight up and has them switch to brush teeth. Mom washes the dishes and cleans up the table. “Why isn’t anyone brushing teeth??”, she asks as all three kids stare at the TV like zombies. Mom turns OFF the TV and orders everyone to finish up getting dressed and doing their bathroom jobs.
Mom takes a sip of her full, lukewarm tea and suddenly remembers t0 feed to dog. Mom goes BACK into the living room. One pea is STILL not dressed. OMG, mom thinks. Mom gets the final pea dressed. “PLEASE finish cleaning up guys! We are going to be late!” Mom takes another sip of her, now cold, tea and fills up the kids juice cups and gets them a snack. Entering the living room, the toys are now half put away. AHHHHHHHH! “Lordy guys! Come one, I’ll help, it’s a race.” Pea #3 instantly starts crying because I said “race” and Pea #1 throws a rubber block at Pea #2 so she can win. Mom breaks up their fist fight, and finally the toys are put away. Mom does the girls hair, Pea #1 screams the whole time.
Mom looks at the clock. T-minus 10 minutes until we need to leave. CRUD! She make sure everyone goes to the potty and is getting their shoes on. Shoes are missing. Pea #3 runs away. T-minus 5 minutes. LET’S GO GUYS! Mom runs and sees Pea #3 in the bathroom and she has pulled all the tissues out of the tissue box. Mom doesn’t even have time for this. She just closes the door so the dog doesn’t get them and asks Siri to remind her to pick them up later. T- minus 2 minutes. “Into the car everyone!” Oh no, all the peas suddenly remember they need to bring something with them and they rush off to get Brownie Spot (a stuffed dog), Blue (another stuffed dog) and any one of a variety of Thomas the Train trains. LET’S GO! We rush into the car, get buckled. Mom forgot her water, she rushes back in and grabs it, jumps back in. She now realizes she forgot her keys in the house. “*^%$%^$^%!!!!” she thinks again. Finally getting her keys, she jumps back in, now 7 minute later than original departure time.
Mom’s mostly full tea sits lonely on the counter….ice cold.
Now you know why mom’s are always late.