An Open Letter to the Motherless Mothers

This Sunday is Mother’s Day and I want you to know know that I understand how you feel. I know how your heart will ache when you see your social media feeds fill up with pictures of your friend’s enjoying brunches and celebrations together with their moms. I get it. It sucks. No matter how long I’ve been a mom, I still feel like Mother’s Day is a celebration of my mom. My mom who’s not here anymore. Even though I count my blessings every day to have three beautiful and healthy children and I love celebrating Mother’s Day with them, I still am reminded of a sadness, an emptiness, that exists inside of me forever. People can say that when you lose someone as close as a mother, that time will heal, and that is kind of true. It doesn’t real “heal” though, more just changes you. The day I lost my mom I became a new person. I was a motherless mother. Not that that is my sole identity or anything, just a part of who I am now. No longer can I call up my mom and ask her for advice, or share a funny story that the kids did. I can’t tell her about how excited we are to come closer to home and I can’t beg her to come help me remove the ugly ivy wallpaper in our new dining room (and poke fun of her because we had very similar ugly ivy wallpaper in our dining room when we were kids). I can’t order her something for Mother’s Day and have it sent to her house. I alway get sad when I walk past that stupid Mother’s Day card section, knowing I don’t have anyone to buy one for anymore- even three years later. I suppose I’ll always get sad, no matter how old I get. So, for all of the other motherless mothers out there, please know I see you and I know what is in your heart. You are not alone in having that emptiness ache inside of you on this day. It’s a visual, concrete reminder of all that you have lost and for all that you’ll miss. Now, I don’t sulk on this day, and you shouldn’t either. No mother wants to leave her children, ever, I know if my mom had been given a choice she would have been here till she was 100, barking orders at us and demanding we get her a coffee light with three sugars from Dunks everyday, but God had other plans and I can’t, none of us can, even attempt to ask “why”. Just know that she’s here with you, as I do, in every strand of your hair, in your eye color, your aging hands and in your “I am NOT pulling up with your BS” personality (well at least for me that is true).  She’s in every breath you take, every dream you have, every tear and every laugh. She’s inside of you when you look at your babies and hug them tight. It’s ok to feel sad this Mother’s Day, I know I will, but remember to honor her in the best way you can by just taking some time to push that sadness to the side and be happy and be you. Remember, a million years ago, your mother held her newborn baby in her arms and looked at you with all the hopes and dreams for anyone that any person can muster up. She wished for you to be able to chase your dreams, or travel the world, or get married and have babies, but no matter what, she just wanted you to be happy. She wished for you to be you. She was so grateful for YOU. So this Mother’s Day, honor your mother by doing just that- being YOU. Live your life as she wished for you every single day she was here. Be happy, be honest, be present.

Happy Mother’s Day to all of the other motherless mothers out there. Remember, no matter how you feel, you are not alone in this world. You’ll always have part of her inside of you. No matter what. xoxo